Trust no one

Sad new has reached your committee of a burglary at Kev Ryan's house. The extract below from the Berkhamstead Thunderer, I thinks says it all. I'm sure you will join the committee in wishing Kev & Debbie good luck in their quest to recover the stolen property which has huge sentimental value.

The Hertfordshire Police Force are pulling out all the stops in an attempt to make an early arrest. We can only wish them well too.

A Berkhamstead resident has reported the theft of a much-loved sporting memento. Mr Kevin Ryan had been the proud possessor of SHIT (the Support Handicap International Trophy) since the demise of the IT help desk with which he used to work. During the weekend of 12th/13th August, the much-prized trophy disappeared. An obviously distraught Mr. Ryan told our reporter "This trophy meant so much to me and my family. The thought of it being in the hands of opportunistic burgling scum makes my blood run cold. Hanging is too good for them. I would castrate them and then parade a bevy of naked beauties in front of them" Mr. Ryan obviously cares about this trophy very deeply.

On the weekend of the theft, Mr Ryan was entertaining houseguests, an ex-colleague and his family, door-to-door insurance salesman, Mr. D L Townsend. Mr Ryan noticed that Mr. Townsend was taking a great interest in the trophy, (he had been a competitor in various competitions with the trophy as main prize). Initially Mr Ryan put this down to a bout of deep nostalgia by the sensitive Mr Townsend. He now suspects a darker motive. "He has always been jealous of me holding the trophy. He can have a mean streak when the mood takes him"

DI Warwick Hunt says that Hertfordshire Police are keen to interview Mr Townsend, if only to eliminate him from their enquiries. They would also like to speak to Mr Townsend regarding several other, unrelated, incidents in the Hemel and Berkhamstead area -
The kidnap and subsequent mutilation of a soft toy, the destruction of door fittings and curtain rails at a residence he shared with colleagues, and the destruction of a Leather Jacket by microwave.

DI Hunt, who famously led the George Street arson investigation, stated that although Mr Townsend is "decidedly dodgy", he is not considered as a suspect in that case. It is however believed that Mr T had been a frequent guest at the scene of the conflagration - is there any smoke without a fire?

In another reported incident, he caused serious damage to the well known Cardex Golf Society's Suckling Pig Trophy which cost a small fortune to repair. Townsend is a Junior Probationary Associate Member of the CGS. Speaking today, Mr P G Smith, President for Life of the society, warned that there would be serious repercussions for Mr. Townsend's standing in the society "He is desperate to become a full member of the society, but if any of these allegations are found to be true, then he cannot be considered for membership at any time in the future. He seems to have a thing about trophies. I've even known him buy his own at an inter-company indoor cricket match and then present it to himself".

Mr. Townsend was unavailable for comment at his West Midlands residence. His beautiful wife, Karen, told reporters "There is no way that David would do something like this to a close friend" It is understood from neighbours that she doesn't know her husband terribly well.

Get CoffeeCup Web Design Software
Site maintained using CoffeeCup Software - click above for Free Trial downloads. All content is copyright Cardex Golf Society 2005-2013