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Bomber und Blitzen

Tenpin bowling legend Dick 'Bomber' Whittington turned his armspeed to the golf course at the inaugural FTBP Golf Championships last month, sweeping the awards with an emphatic victory in the Suckling Pig Trophy.

Blasting his way to a superb gross 79 which included two par-5 birdies, the longest drive and never more than five strokes on a hole, the lofty audio/visual aids technician destroyed the opposition with an exceptional display of power-driving at Berkshire's Blue Mountain Golf Club.

The early-morning drizzle did nothing to raise the spirits of the advance party of Cardex veterans still groggy from their previous night's revelry. Whereas grey skies, black moods and ashen faces contributed to the low-key start, only Whittington kept his nerve on the first tee, sending an ominous drive booming down the fairway where others found bushes, sand and water.

In the chasing group, Dave Stokes had mixed fortunes in returning a creditable 41 Stableford points - a run of three-putts early on cost him the scores that may have secured his victory. At the other end of the board, Smith and Jones found losing balls an easier proposition than gaining points and continued to impress the handicap committee that their share value may be somewhat inflated. DLT doesn't get a mention.

Whittington also took the Nearest the Pig award popping his ball onto the upper terrace of the Eleventh green. Far closer but just off the fringe by only a couple of inches, reportedly, was Angus Gibbins' attempt. A rare case of six inches being downplayed to two !

Bomber's monster drive on the Seventeeth secured him an amazing treble, something even Kev Ryan grudgingly admitted he didn't think he'd see again in his lifetime. To prove it was no fluke, on the final tee Bomber launched another Scud going back up the hill that exceeded his previous mark.

What is a BP golf tournament without an incident or two : who can forget Pete Brew's successive and identical slices from the middle of the tenth fairway into the walled garden of an adjoining property ? Or Stokesy's impossibly long tee shot stopped conveniently pin-high by a leading group member's golf trolley. But in the end it was the inclement weather and Bomber's blitzkrieg that dominated the day.

Well done Bomber, but how are you at boules ?

PFL

SCORES ON THE DOORS
Suckling Pig Trophy
  1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
 
9.
10.
Bomber
Stokesy
Mark
Ian
Kev
Wolfie
DLT
Angus
Dick
Phil
43 points
41
33
26
23
22
21
21
17
15




Dick Whittington.
As happy as a pig in ....




RYAN THRASHES DICK IN DUREX CLIMAX
A thrilling finale to the Friday's 9-hole Durex Shield saw 63-handicapper Kev Ryan pull off a surprising victory over former colleague Angus Gibbins and eventual 'Suckling Pig' champion, Dick Whittington.

In a bitter contest marred by a lack of course etiquette, Ryan showed great balls to spurt ahead of his rivals to clinch top spot.

Fuelled by an extensive alcohol lunchbreak, trouble flared soon after the start as a double-visioned Pete Brew took to re-landscaping the Windsor course with his renowned 'divot' shot, a phenomenon witnessed by a group of members from the club house. Warm weather had necessitated a large intake of fluid following the morning practice round. "I was one Bud away from not playing", joked a slurring Gibbins in second place. The club officials were less impressed and refused entry to the FTBP ambassadors to the club bar later for reasons as bizarre as they were understandable : wearing golf shoes indoors; walking barefoot when attempting to correct the former; and using a mobile phone within earshot of the club president.

The PFL can only condemn behaviour such as this and until the officials realise we are only 'having a laugh', they can stick their course up their collective arse. That's the problem with golf, it's taken far too seriously.

Congratulations to the new Durex champion, Kev Ryan.

Ed




STOP PRESS.......STOP PRESS.......STOP PRESS.......

Arsonist strikes George Street

Police have arrested a man in connection with the fire bombing this morning of 23 George Street, Hemel, the headquarters and spiritual home of FTBP golf. In a statement to the press, police chief DI Warwick Hunt said, "There was no clear motive for the attack but a chubby-chinned chap in his Fifties is helping us with our enquiries."

The man, believed to be Richard Jones, has a history of complaints against the FTBP. In 1998, he attempted to bribe Society officials into increasing his handicap. The following year, he was found hacksawing through the shaft of the Secretary's favourite putter. It is also well known of his resistance towards the impending arrival of a reinstated FTBP official.

The fire is believed to have started in an attic conversion and was swiftly brought under control by the Hemel Fire Brigade following suitable payment. There were no casualties but there is growing concern that the incident may be linked to an illegal immigration racket when a dusky-faced man of obviously Asian origin was found staggering from the loft area.