Peace in our Time?

Not since British prime Minister Neville Chamberlain had his fateful meeting with Herr Hitler, the German Chancellor, has so much faith been placed in a scrappy piece of paper, by so many trusting people. That infamous meeting between gullible Nev and sneaky Adolf was mirrored in the bar of the Grand Victorian hotel, Worthing after heated breakfast discussions between our beloved PFL, Phil Smith, and the infamous trainee membership applicant David L. Townsend.

The Background Story

The putative member has in the past transgressed against not just Cardex Golf Society rules, but against general societal norms of behaviour. ASBO's are too good for him! Past events include the wanton destruction of the revered Suckling Pig Trophy, which meant that the beast had to be mounted by Lofty and Angus (and he wasn't happy). From being a freewheeling quadruped arriving at Witney, he was reduced to being a late entry in a three-legged race. Drastic surgery by the aforementioned members allowed the Pig to continue his function as a Trophy for the Society, but gone was the spark of life which was present before he was nailed to his plinth.

On the one occasion when he was elevated to the position of Associate Member, in Ennis, and was presented with a Certificate proving his advancement, what does he do? In another drunken stupour, he leaves it on the bar of a pub, too busy trying to maximise his share of the kitty no doubt. I wouldn't be at all surprised to see this rare document appear on ebay one day, it's got to be worth a few quid of anyone's money as it's the only one of it's kind in existence. Whoever the lucky Irishman was who found it could be in for a fortune. Following these examples of misbehaviour the Committee were understandably reluctant to part with the Durex Shield, which was his by right, by dint of winning the 9-hole Worthing Medal competition on the previous Friday.

Following strong protestations by a fellow member, the Committee graciously decided to enter into negotiations with the pleading Mr. Townsend.

The Negotiated Settlement

Worthless piece of paper?During the Sunday morning breakfast our PFL bravely let his eggs go cold whilst drafting what is now known as the "Worthing Treaty". The document, pictured right (click on the small picture for a legible image) spelled out the terms under which the elegant Durex Shield would be handed over to Mr. T's safekeeping until it was contested again.

The terms basically requested that Mr. T would keep the shield in good order and return it unengraved at the next CGS extravaganza. Failure to do so would mean that his application for membership would not be considered anytime soon. Hurried addenda to the original document included the safe return of the CGS Piglet, mysteriously kidnapped from his position of Nearest the Pig marker, and also that Mr. T would still give the PFL and Del a lift home. The document was countersigned by Littlehampton spy member Brew, who agreed to act as guarantor to the adherence of the terms.

On the basis that the last agreement of this type, alluded to above, resulted in the outbreak of World War II, we await the outcome with anticipation, not to say trepidation.

Tension surrounds the two principals pictured before negotiations began
PFL looking suitably pleased with the fact that Dave has agreed to still give him a lift home

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