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Portugal Communique #7

On 25/09/2013 20:06, Ian Wilson wrote:

The Summary:
Essentials :

English cash for Minibus, new CGS Shirt & “Some” beers
Golf Shoes (Soft Spikes)
New CGS shirt
Golf shorts(Tailored)
Swim Shorts
Print of This
You don’t need tickets – I know I said I'd send the Monarch emails on to you but I wont - basically they just contain the same 6 characters you used when inputting passport details (below). I’ll have these with me, & a separate piece of paper for each of you with these on, so you don't need a record if you don't want. If you do want your own in advance – then just Logon where you input your advance passenger information - & you'll see the option below Advance Passenger Information is print your own booking.
K6WS8J - Bomber, Lofty, Del, Dick
W5MVMC – Nobby
CC6L5U - Phil, Kev, DLT
PDZSUX – Angus

Flight Details
Flying Out London Gatwick to Faro (Algarve)
Friday, 27 Sep 13 Departing 16:30 Arriving 19:10 Flight ZB216
Flying Back Faro (Algarve) to London Gatwick Monday, 30 Sep 13 Departing 16:30 Arriving 18:55 Flight ZB217

Baggage Allowance
Flight bag - 56cm x 40cm x 25cm (10kg) Important Note – Monarch reserve the right to put your on-flight bag in the hold if they're short of space (No extra cost) but be prepared for slight possibility
Golf Clubs – 20kg (Dick has bought scales & weighing ours it came out around the 12kg mark – so shouldn't be a problem)
Update on the towel front. Apparently hotel DOES have pool towels, & we have room towels, so you don't need take one unless in the unlikely event we end up lying on the beach ( But as apparently there's a good beach bar with stools that sounds far more comfortable!)
Individual Plans :

Dave, Kev, Phil – Bring separate bags for what you want to go into other peoples golf bags - Golf shoes, All liquids(Meaning Toiletries not Whisky), Golf Balls, Maybe other shoes if you're pushed for space. (ideally I’ll “do” Phil, Del do Dave, & Dick do Kev. If others have a free pocket in their golf bag then please be ready to help out too). Dick has scales to make sure no one's anywhere near the 20kg maximum.
Bomber/Nobby be ready for 10:30 Friday morn – I’ll pick you up
Dave / Kev aim to be at George Street for bag sorting approx. 10:45 please
Angus 10:45 – 11 ish George street too – but not time essential for you as you don’t have to come in (unless you want to leave your car keys here).
After Bag load we’ll walk up the road to the Bellgate.
Pig based food available in Bellgate.
Minibus leaves 12:15 to go to Gatwick.
4:30 flight

Saturday Morning Golf – Consensus is 3 keen, 3 interested but none committal, 4 probably not. Having looked into golf courses & booking arrangements then best policy is turn up on spec at a course called Laguna (which has 27 holes, driving range, swimming pool, & bar) Transport there is free from our hotel (just give reception half hours notice that you want transport). If you turn up, be flexible, & negotiate, my guess is 30 euros – 9 holes, 55 Euros for 18. BUT the intention is everyone be back by the pool by 2 at the latest (so if you want to do 18 aim to start 9:00 at the latest, Or for 9 start 11:00 at the latest)

Sunday – The Suckling Pig
First Tee-Off is 12:42. We’ll get transport to leave hotel 11:30, then draw for groups/pairings etc at the course. New CGS shirts please. Tailored shorts

Right – see you Friday

The Committee

Top Tips:
Old Telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know

Portugal Communique #6

On 17/09/2013 21:44, Ian Wilson wrote:

OLA from edition two. Same format as before - important items in

Bold Italics

So, next Thursday, 26th, its confirmed - the Durex Shield will be played for at Little Hay Golf Club. Nine holes, full handicap, first tee-off at 5:00 pm. Can I have confirmation of attendance please?

New shirts will be available next Thursday (not to be worn on Thursday as you won't have time to wash it before the weekend)
Moneys, £28, in English, on exchange please.

Portuguse update....

First of all
Monarch need Personal Information on all travellers BEFORE the day

Ideally can you fill your own in please. If there's a problem then reply with information to me & I’ll fill it in.
To fill your own in

CLICK ON : my account

Click on “Details & Login” for “Advanced Passenger information”
BOOKING REFERENCE: ( List is below )

K6WS8J - Bomber, Lofty, Del, Dick
W5MVMC – Nobby
CC6L5U - Phil, Kev, DLT
PDZSUX – Angus
That should then be self explanatory – Details you need to input are :
Middle name, Birthbdate, Gender, Passport Document no, Issuing country, Expiry date

If youre struggling with this then I need answers to the above
Important to take :
As for check in its just the 6 character booking reference above – I'll have them all.

Other info for updates:
We’ll be meeting 11am in Bellgate (end of George st) Hemel, we’ll be leaving at 12:30
Kev will send on minibus details to you following this & will be organising that & costs completely separate to me ( I’ll be enjoying that journey in carefree mode )
Further hints on what to take:
We have room towels but these aren’t too suitable for pool, & certainly not suitable for beach, so a not too bulky beach towel recommended
Golf shoes need soft spikes
New Golf shirt for Sunday
Sun tan cream

Latest news:
Ok the Euro is at a record high for the year :o)
Weather forecast 32 degrees & scorcio :o)

Another decision yet to be made is possible golf Saturday morning ( only if its 9 holes & earlyish – 10am at the latest ) seems to be split views of the ones ive asked – half yes to golf, half morning by the pool

That’ll do for now – So, questions

1) Are you filling/have you filled, in your own personal details or need me to do it?
2) Are you playing next Thursday
3) Whats your preference about playing or not on the Saturday morning ? ( No booking will be made until I get rough feel for who wants what )

Ok thatll do for now – any questions let me know. There will be edition 3 next week

The Committee

Top Tips:

HAVING TROUBLE getting one of those baseball caps with the peak on the back? Simply get one with the peak on the front (available anywhere), cut the peak off and sew it on the back.

Portugal Communique #5

On 27/08/2013 19:46, Ian Wilson wrote:


Welcome to the Portuguese edition of CGS news. The first two pages will be dedicated to non-Portuguese news so as to retain the attention of those maintaining a homeland presence in late September

….& for those with attention deficit disorder anything important is in

Bold Italics


Thank you for your prompt responses re the new shirts – they’re ordered & expected within 3 weeks. I’ll sort individual monies out then


August's Golfer of the month is…….Nobby. Congratulations goes to him on finally breaking into the CGS top ten. An excellent 21 points over 9 holes at little Hay on Thursday cutting his handicap down to 39. Sweeping aside all around him with his usual brand of etiquette free golf, culminated on the final green where he ruthlessly eliminated Dicks ball from the green with a deft flick from the back of his putter (Locals sitting outside the members bar had never heard the Brummie word “Twathead” – They have now)

Bomber 12
IJO 15
Lofty 17
Del 18
Ian 25
Angus 26
Phil 28
Wolfie 30
Dick 34
Nobby 39
DLT 39
Ormy 45
Kev 50

Durex Shield (& The Douglas Bader Trophy)

Following high demand for tournament golf we can confirm that
On Thursday 26th September we will be playing for the Durex Shield.
Full handicaps apply for a 9 hole tournament on a course near Hemel – starting as late in the day as light allows (approx. 4:30 tee-off). Also being played for is the Douglas Bader Trophy (Mrs IJO will be delighted to hear – Guests have been kept away from the mantelpiece in the lounge for nearly 6 months now)

How to Golf

Talking of Etiquette – a few useful words from some bloke (Even if he does use the term “How to Golf”)

In the tournament don't be the slowest golfer in your four-some. If any of them are experienced ask them for pointers on etiquette. Your score is secondary and how you do doesn't matter in the long run.

If you want anyone in the four some to ask you to golf again, you don't want to annoy them with poor etiquette. Here is something you should NEVER do:
Look for a ball for more than 2-3 minutes. Even experienced golfers spend too much time looking for a ball. Bring a lot of balls, a ton. You'll use them eventually.

Find out what the maximum number of strokes is per hole. Some tournaments lower it to 8, some lower it to 10. Once you reach the maximum, just pick up your ball and walk along. If you do have to pick up, tend the flag and put it back in the cup when the last guy makes his putt.

Don't record your score near the green, do it on the next tee. People behind you are waiting to hit.

Your drive is the least important stroke. In fact most beginners would do well to leave their driver at home and use an iron or rescue club. Even a 5 iron would be fine because when you drive the ball in the woods and can't find it you're down two strokes. One for not finding your ball and another for dropping one on the edge of the course. Tack on the actual drive and you are sitting with a 3 and you haven't taken a second swing at the ball.

Golf does not reward distance as much as it rewards accuracy. It's not even close. If we drive the ball 230 yards into the woods and can't find it we're supposed to drop the ball where the ball entered "out of bounds”, not where we thing it would have rolled to. So now we're sitting in the rough where we dropped a ball with 3 strokes about 190 yards.

Ok, bored now, back to us, so now on to the Portuguese pullout (Adeus Amigos to the others)

Firstly – thanks for your moneys – all paid!

Secondly – on the payment front – I didn’t explain properly what the individual figures were when you look at how your total costing was made up – It is..

Hotel + All transfers in Portugal - + Golf (including buggies) = £195
Double Room supplement = £100
Sofa Discount = -£20
Flights = £195
Club carriage = £50
Club Hire = £20

Baggage Allowance
Flight bag - 56cm x 40cm x 25cm (10kg)
Golf Clubs – 20kg (Dick has bought scales & weighing ours it came out around the 12kg mark – so shouldn't be a problem)

What to take (part one)
Money (Also take Euros if you want – otherwise pay top whack to exchange at airport)
Flight Bag (Must NOT include liquids above 100ml – if you don't know the rules stick bottles in your golf bags – the 3 not taking clubs, give bottles to one of the others to take for you)
New CGS shirt
Golf Shoes
Reasonably formal golf shorts/socks

Other pointers:

I’ll have your tickets – but I’ll also send you an optional copy to print soon once I've booked everyone in – which we can do in advance

Duty free IS allowed to be taken from Gatwick airport (or Faro airport coming back )– a “small” carrier bag on top of your flight baggage (or if you want more try paying a couple of “innocent“ female mules on their way back from Peru)

Towels – Haven't got the answer to this one yet

That’s it for now – More updates to come

The Committee

Top Tips:
A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers

Portugal Communique #4

On 31/07/2013 22:11, Ian Wilson wrote:

Hello Campers,

Its update time ( For the Short attention spanned close now & read the SAS summarized version)

Still here ?

Right – then I’ll begin

Following several complaints from members about missing the last weekend abroad your committee has reluctantly agreed to stage another one in September.

So here’s what we've booked for you with rough itinerary:

Thursday 26th September:
18:00 - Optional 9 holes / Thai tea / Karaoke - all Hemel

Friday 27th September:
11:30 - Beer ( & maybe Bacon Butties ) at the Bellgate in Hemel
12:30 – Minibus pick up from Bellgate to ferry you to Gatwick
13:30 – Gatwick Spot the Angus competition
13:32 – Tour of Gatwick bars
16:30 – Board Monarch Flight ZB216 to Faro
19:10 – Land In Faro
19:45 - Private Bus to Hotel
20:00 – Check in to Luna Olympus Aparthotel Vilamoura
20:05 – Opening Ceremony

Saturday 28th September:
10:00 – Breakfast
11:00 - Informal Optional 9 holes warm up at some local course
13:00 – Fun & Games It’s a knockout by the pool – with your jovial compere Stuart Hall Uncle Phil ( C’mon kids you're safe now )
16:00 - Stuff

Sunday 29th September:
10:00 – Breakfast
11:30 – Private Bus to Pinhal Golf Course
12:45 – The Suckling Pig !
17:00 – Presentation
17:30 – More Stuff

Monday 30th September:
8:30 - Farewell to Angus serenade (Those still standing in harmony with the early risers wave Angus off for earlier Monarch flight ZB187 11:30 from Faro )
10:00 – Breakfast
11:00 – Closing Ceremony
13:30 – Private Bus to Airport
16:30 – Board Monarch Flight ZB217 to Gatwick
18:55 – Land in Gatwick
19:30 – Minibus back to houses & cars in Hemel/Berko

So that’s the itinerary

Flight baggage arrangements - you can take one flight bag 56cm x 40cm x 25cm ( 10kg ). Clubs & whatever you squash in your golf club bag up to 20kg. No ones taking suitcases. You don't need to take your trophies

Now Hotel Arrangements:

The Luna Olympus is a large hotel right in the middle of the action. BIG Pool & bar - The rooms are large 2 bedroom apartments holding up to 4 people. Each apartment consists of Twin bedded room, Double Room, Lounge with optional sofa bed, balcony, kitchen, bathroom blah blah blah

Room 1:
Twin – Bomber / Kev
Double – Nobby
Sofa Bed – Dick

Room 2:
Twin – Angus / Lofty
Double – Ian

Room 3:
Twin: Phil / DLT
Double: Del (& Friend)

Costing varies depending on what you've got so don't think you've lost out with twin – you've saved yourself £100

So talking of money here's what you'll be paying (Cost does NOT include optional golf on the Saturday, or UK minibus to/from Gatwick ). I'm sure you want me to add it up for each of you, so in CGS Ranking order :

Bomber £195 + £195 + £50 = £440
Lofty £195 + £195 + £50 = £440
Del £195 + £100 + £195 + £50 = £540
Ian £195 + £100 + £195 + £50 = £540
Angus £195 + £195 + £50 = 440
Phil £195 + £195 + £20 = £410
Dick £195 - £20 + £195 + £50 = £420
DLT £195 + £195 + £20 (+Hemel Open golf £12 ) = £422
Nobby £195 + £100 + £195 + £50 = £540
Kev £195 + £195 + £20 = £410

So, I'll have paid for everything by Saturday so I'm after monies from each of you as soon as possible please. Cash, Bank Transfer, Cheque, all ok

I.Wilson,     HSBC Sort Code:   40-11-08,    Account Number:   71208640
23 George street, Hemel Hempstead, Herts., HP2 5HJ

Ok, that’ll do for now. Questions welcome - I’ll be sending out useful tips regularly.

The Committee

Top Tips:
Placing your penis in the bottom of your girlfriend's popcorn box will give her a real shock at the cinema. Especially if you're at home watching football at the time.

Portugal Communique #3

On 26/06/2013 23:06, Ian Wilson wrote:

So the flights are now booked – as you've seen, I'll now move on to hotel & course – I know the likely two & both “suit” us

Flights – all our flights are with Monarch.(Ryanair & Easyjet are an absolute rip off re taking golf clubs, micro cabin bags, leg room for midgets, & £38 a beer on board ). Monarch is not bad at all I think compared to those two. Costs so far similar to what I quoted you before>

7 out of the 10 of us are taking clubs. Those 7 will easily cope with baggage without a suitcase as you can utilise your golf bag pockets. The other 3 should also cope without a suitcase as long as they have the right size in cabin bag. Then those 3 can use the other 7’s extra space to help them a bit. ( So for instance Dave can put one shoe in one persons golf bag, & the other in someone elses. Then when he gets to the other end all he has to do is find both shoes & hey presto, a full set ! )

Cabin Baggage allowance = A bag no more than these dimensions 56 x 40 x 25cm. And no more than 10kg. These bags can be holdalls or whatever ( they don’t need be secure as you'll always have it with you ). ( They say you can take 2 bags instead totalling this size but not quite sure how that measuring up works )

Golf club bag allowance = 20kg.
(I'm about to buy one of those golf bag “outer bags” like what Del has ( Except without the secret department he smuggles women in )) the cheap ones are only about £20 – if you interested let me know I might get a job lot.

Also remember the in flight liquid issue – No im not talking about beer – this is shampoo etc. All none tiny liquid bottles chuck in your golf bags

Travel to & from airport:-
Meet Hemel pub Friday lunch - minibus to leave Hemel at approx. 1:30pm on Friday 27th. Get to Gatwick at 2:30 ish.

4:30pm flight – get to Faro 19:10. Transport arranged to take us to hotel get there approx. 8:30pm. Just in time for a night out

Coming back on Monday 30th – Guessing at the moment of transport picking us up at 2pm in time for 4:30pm flight to Gatwick. Land at Gatwick 6:55pm, where minibus picks us up to take us to Hemel.

Money – I don’t need any yet – I’ll let you know.

Any questions ?

Portugal Communique #2

On 26/06/2013 23:04, Ian Wilson wrote:

I've decided that for every email I send there needs to be an SAS version ( or “Short Attention Span” ) for those who fall asleep after 4 sentences so :-

Update :-

The flights have been booked -
Minibus from Hemel at 1:30pm on Friday 27th June
Fly from Gatwick at 4:30pm
Monday 30th June Fly from Faro at 16:30 – Landing at Gatwick 19:10
Minibus back to Hemel

Close email – you don’t need do anything>
( If you’re feeling brave & want to know more try opening the BIG email for advanced readers which will follow )

The Commits

Portugal Communique #1

From: Ian Wilson []
Subject: Villaporker
Sent: 18 June 2013 21:05

From Dorking to Porking.
Its gathering pace – This years Pigfest combined with PFL birthday weekend is getting closer. The Venue can be confirmed as Vilamoura in the Portuguese Algarve. The date – as already confirmed the weekend of Friday 27th September.
So what have we got so far. Well its definitely a 3 night package. We'll either be going Thursday 26th late afternoon, or Friday 27th late afternoon. Returning the eve of 3 days later ( Sunday 29th or Monday 30th ). The airport – favourite is looking to be Gatwick.( Its looking likely we do the Friday till Monday as flights much better at the mo ) The hotel – cant confirm yet but a 4 star large ( BIG pool & bar ) next to the beach. The Piggin golf – will be played for at a class course – but not overly snobby – they're used to top British golfers playing “With hangovers”.

The rough cost – to give you an idea:
18 holes Golf ( Including Buggies ) + Twin Room for 3 nights ( Including Breakfast ) + transfer both ways between Airport & Hotel + transfer both ways between Hotel & Course :
= £198

18 hole club hire supplement
= £17

Single Room supplement
= £50 ( in total for 3 nights )

Flights – including on flight bag – but no suitcase or golf clubs - tougher one to estimate but at the moment we're talking :
= £190

Suitcase carriage -Supplement
= £30

Club carriage – Supplement
= £40

So, what happens now – its commitment time – I have 10 names who've said yes so far – it can be added to - what I need is :

1) Can I have your passport number and full passport name please
2) Would you like to make decision re taking clubs or hiring clubs?
3) Would you like single room or twin room?
4) Is anyone interested in a different airport ? ( Only practical for “northerners” I reckon – with East Midlands showing cheaper deals – but then transport to & from hotel at the other end may have complications)
5) Outside of the 10 Is anyone interested in the budget package? I reckon I can get a total figure of half the above without golf & with less convenient flights but still 3 nights

At the moment the £190 flight guestimate is going above the Ryanair/Easyjet budget options. This figure is with Monarch. We can go cheaper to the budget ones but they have tiny in flight bag allowance ( personally I'm not taking suitcase if we're with Monarch as I think their in flight bag allowance big enough to carry 3 pairs of trunks, a blow up lilo-lil, toothbrush, fake tan, couple of shirts, golf trousers & piggin' t shirt)

I'm looking to have flight at least booked by the end of this week

Answers on a postcard please

That's all folks

The Committee